忘记

原来忘记真的没有那么容易。
越是在意，越是心系，越是想忘记，就越难遗忘。

回忆的纠缠，很困扰。
会不经意地想起，然后因为想起而愧疚。
会不经意地比较，然后讨厌自己的比较。
会不经意地内疚，然后又为内疚而内疚。
放不下，又忘不了。

我觉得我真的应该勇敢地面对他，见他一面，问他好不好。让我们真正的结束，让我们渐渐成为普通朋友。让我们放下过去。

只有这样，我才能走向我的未来呀。

Ugh.

Somehow, thinking about it, looking back at it...
I still feel so bad about it. So terrible.
I am kinda worried and bothered. But I feel bad feeling this way.

Such a terrible person I am. Seriously.
Times like that, I really hate myself.
Terrible. Terrible. Terrible.

If I have to feel like that,
I might as well have ended it more graciously
and appropriately.
I don't like regretting but I really think
it could and should have been done better.
Though I still don't think I could have done it.
I suck at such stuff. At being brave.
I'm a coward. Still am.
I still don't dare to face him.

Just now saw someone passing by,
looked like him.
Got a bit panicky, though we was well just passing by.
Went to see how it ended again
and felt so bothered again. Lol. Stupid or what.

Ugh. I wish I can know how he is feeling about it now.
How he is doing now.
So that I can feel more at ease about it.
I don't think I should be feeling worried about him anyway.
I don't la, usually, only sometimes at such moments,
or when I see his friends around.

Saw zhen kang earlier today and that was so awkward.
Then he asked me how I have been
and said that he heard that I've been busy with NTUBS lol.
I just said ya and didn't said more.
He said it as if I am neglecting him coz of that,
but it's more than that ma. He shoulddd know ba, they are pretty close.
But he's not someone who shares easily. Ah, whatever.
Don't like meeting his friends in school lol.

And neither do I want to meet him either.
I hope I have the courage to face him as a friend again actually.
I think I will be able to finally put it behind me 100%.

Now, I am not sure if it's just guilt bugging me lol.
I feel so disturbed at my own cowardice.
Like I am such a terrible person who hurt him with my own flaws.
Why do they like me? They have such bad taste.
Ugh. I feel so unworthy of their love.

I owe many many people much thanks in my whole life till now.
So many people. So much gratitude for all of you.
For giving me a wonderful life up till today. :)
And sorry to all those I have hurt, for being a terrible person.
I will try my best not to hurt anyone else anymore.

I shall keep reminding myself.
This too, shall pass.
All these guilt and cowardice will pass.
I will put all these behind me and look only forward.

May I become a better person and may I be able to give my other half happiness,
for a long, long time.

Jiayou, Si Hui!

...Aish.